Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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