When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize