I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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