Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He felt like a one man threesome
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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