Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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