i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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