Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
