I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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