Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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