Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
