There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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