you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
