I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
