The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
