I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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