Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
