All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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