erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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