Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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