i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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