I just pynch a tree in the face
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
