I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize