i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
