Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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