if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
