I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
