Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
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