At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
