Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
