my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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