Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
