Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
