my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
