i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
And the cops told us we were all naked.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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