Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
