so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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