Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize