I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
