nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
How's work?
Spinning.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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