I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
