we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
