but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
