I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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