In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
