I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
