Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
