If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
