I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
