Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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