Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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