so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
