if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
