3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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