You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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