Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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