new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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