dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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