Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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