I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
