we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
